i kind of feel like a huge piece of shit for surviving this year unscathed. i got paid to stay home from march-july, and when i went back to work i had a panic attack and quit. i couldn’t sell luxury cosmetics in a combination pandemic and class war. carlos finally got a cush office job right before the demmy hit, so he’s been working from home for a boss he’s met once.
last february i was deeply sad, probably the most depressed i’ve ever been. life felt hopeless, routine, futile. i woke up feeling like trash every morning, i would puke when i brushed my teeth or sometimes i’d puke in the road while waiting for the bus at 5 am. once i had to run out of the starbs where i kept warm waiting for someone to open the store so i could go puke on the max tracks. i think it was from having to wake up super early because i’ve only had bad nausea once since then. i also used to have to slather my body in the stores tester of cbd lotion or i would have near-constant annoying aches & pains. i still have them ofc but nowhere near as bad.
so what changed? when i was getting ready to go back to work in july i reached out to some friends and asked for their advice. i told them how scared i was, how stupid i thought the job was in this moment in history, how i didn’t know what to do. they told me to quit. it’s what i wanted in the back of my mind but i don’t just *quit* jobs. i hate looking for a job, and now that i’m in my mid-30’s with a chronic illness and crippling depression i feel completely un-hireable. it was the scariest thing i’ve ever done but i’m so thankful for their encouragement because as soon as i got over the shock of choosing to be unemployed i felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. all the things i was worried would happen didn’t happen. the biggest repercussion was that i had to switch neurologists.
i’ll keep this part brief, because again, i feel guilty about it: i’ve been living my housewife dreams for the past few months. we straight up do not leave the house, which is very very hard for some people, but not at all hard for me. i feel like i’ve been training my whole life for this. i also feel like this is the best and easiest point in the history of the world to be stuck at home and i’m so confused why people are pushing against it. for YEARS i used to dream about being at home while i was working. for years i also used to try to convince carlos how nice it would be for him to have a housewife taking care of his shit, and he rightfully balked because that is patriarchal af, but that’s pretty much what i do now and it really working for us. i will say that i am TERRIFIED of re-entering the work force now that i have had a taste of my dream job.
what are my dreams for the future? well my friends kids are starting to grow up so i’m turning up my auntie mode. lots and lots and lots of babies were born in 2020! too many for me to make them all blankies. i want to keep making improvements on our home—we finally turned the attic into an office and i set up a desk so i could unpack my shit. i also really want to finally paint my bathroom. i want to keep shopping in bulk from our restaurant wholesaler! i miss going to the grocery store but i am saving so much money now that we don’t go 2-4x week. being at home means i get to watch a ton more movies, something that i didn’t have the energy for outside of oscar season.
2020 has been all about change and adaptation. i am glad to say i survived, and proud of my actions this year. i made sacrifices, i prioritized safety and inclusion for all, and i was loudly and proudly anti-fascist. that that is even a THING that needs to be said in 2020 is mind boggling but oh well. i cannot fix the world but i can fix my teeny tiny spot
i kind of feel like a huge piece of shit for surviving this year unscathed. i got paid to stay home from march-july, and when i went back to work i had a panic attack and quit. i couldn’t sell luxury cosmetics in a combination pandemic and class war. carlos finally got a cush office job right before the demmy hit, so he’s been working from home for a boss he’s met once.
last february i was deeply sad, probably the most depressed i’ve ever been. life felt hopeless, routine, futile. i woke up feeling like trash every morning, i would puke when i brushed my teeth or sometimes i’d puke in the road while waiting for the bus at 5 am. once i had to run out of the starbs where i kept warm waiting for someone to open the store so i could go puke on the max tracks. i think it was from having to wake up super early because i’ve only had bad nausea once since then. i also used to have to slather my body in the stores tester of cbd lotion or i would have near-constant annoying aches & pains. i still have them ofc but nowhere near as bad.
so what changed? when i was getting ready to go back to work in july i reached out to some friends and asked for their advice. i told them how scared i was, how stupid i thought the job was in this moment in history, how i didn’t know what to do. they told me to quit. it’s what i wanted in the back of my mind but i don’t just *quit* jobs. i hate looking for a job, and now that i’m in my mid-30’s with a chronic illness and crippling depression i feel completely un-hireable. it was the scariest thing i’ve ever done but i’m so thankful for their encouragement because as soon as i got over the shock of choosing to be unemployed i felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. all the things i was worried would happen didn’t happen. the biggest repercussion was that i had to switch neurologists.
i’ll keep this part brief, because again, i feel guilty about it: i’ve been living my housewife dreams for the past few months. we straight up do not leave the house, which is very very hard for some people, but not at all hard for me. i feel like i’ve been training my whole life for this. i also feel like this is the best and easiest point in the history of the world to be stuck at home and i’m so confused why people are pushing against it. for YEARS i used to dream about being at home while i was working. for years i also used to try to convince carlos how nice it would be for him to have a housewife taking care of his shit, and he rightfully balked because that is patriarchal af, but that’s pretty much what i do now and it really working for us. i will say that i am TERRIFIED of re-entering the work force now that i have had a taste of my dream job.
what are my dreams for the future? well my friends kids are starting to grow up so i’m turning up my auntie mode. lots and lots and lots of babies were born in 2020! too many for me to make them all blankies. i want to keep making improvements on our home—we finally turned the attic into an office and i set up a desk so i could unpack my shit. i also really want to finally paint my bathroom. i want to keep shopping in bulk from our restaurant wholesaler! i miss going to the grocery store but i am saving so much money now that we don’t go 2-4x week. being at home means i get to watch a ton more movies, something that i didn’t have the energy for outside of oscar season.
2020 has been all about change and adaptation. i am glad to say i survived, and proud of my actions this year. i made sacrifices, i prioritized safety and inclusion for all, and i was loudly and proudly anti-fascist. that that is even a THING that needs to be said in 2020 is mind boggling but oh well. i cannot fix the world but i can fix my teeny tiny spot
2018 is the first year i felt like an adult. that doesn’t mean i have my shit together—quite the opposite actually—i’m forgetting and losing things like it’s my job lately. just yesterday i dropped my phone in a puddle outside the car door and had to carry it around in a ziploc full of rice for a few hours (oh yeah btw i’m writing this from the train, i just spent the weekend in seattle so breaking my phone was not an option) and then when it was dry i plugged it in to charge and crammed a grain of rice deep in the plug hole. oy vey big time, right? but here’s where the adult comes in: i never lost my shit. it’s just a phone, i could print my ticket, i can knit/read on the train home, i can get a new phone. and guess what? i scraped out that lil’ rice with my tiny glasses screwdriver and swiss army toothpick and everything is ok: shit is only a problem if you make it one. i’ve just reached a point in my life where i (for the most part) recognize what is TRULY important and i try to only stress about that stuff. i’m not perfect all the time, but i have noticed that most people cause their own problems. i’m too smart and i love myself too much to do that anymore. i think that’s a big piece of feeling adult, you must truly love yourself (most of the time).
i felt like i haven’t achieved much this year but looking back i’m quite proud of my accomplishments. i read more this year than i have in nearly a decade, lots of excellent YA novels that had me sniffling on the bus or full-on sobbing in the backyard hammock. i did jury duty! i went to the dentist not once but THRICE! and i had no cavities (but they have strongly encouraged that i purchase a waterpik)! i worked really hard and saved all my nail money, which i tapped in to to start our mini kitchen remodel. i kind of started to attempt to garden, but mostly just managed to pull weeds and sprout succulents from leaves i’ve stolen. my heath has been ok, i have a lot of stomach problems but i’m trying to recognize what comes from stress and what comes from poor choices. at 33 i feel more secure and comfortable in my body/skin than ever before and i chose to celebrate that with a huge tattoo that i started in may and still have not finished because i can only sit for 3 hours at a time. again, a thing that i’ve wanted for a long time but never felt like i was “able” to do until i allowed myself. i’m done with that sort of guilt—my abilities are endless and i can do whatever i set my mind to.
i’ve definitely consumed more than i created this year, i’d like to change that in 2019. after such a whirlwind 6 months of buying/fixing our house i kind of took this year off. not gonna lie, i ran out of steam. but once the kitchen counters are in all the projects should be relatively small (HAHAH YEAH RIGHT) and i’m very pumped about finishing the bathroom.
as for the consumption, I HAD FUN THIS YEAR! i used our fruit trees as an excuse to finally buy that food dehydrator i’ve always wanted; the fruit wasn’t very delicious but i made killer dried tomatoes! we got a costco card and have been using it very wisely on tp and frozen meats but their luxury bath towel was defo my favorite purchase of the year. we got back in to video games after getting a hand-me down xbox and loved it so much that we got a new one on black friday and i’ve been playing minecraft NON-STOP. i remember feeling so guilty 2 years ago when we were saving for a house and i bought that 3ds, this time my mom gave me some birthday money and i handed it over for that shit with no second thoughts. we work really hard and we deserve something fun. i think my favorite movie i saw this year was a shitty horror movie we watched at the salon called “uninvited” and strangely enough my favorite oscar contender was dunkirk. my favorite book was far from the tree by robin benway (that’s the one i was sobbing in the hammock for), and there was SO much good tv but i gotta give it to kim’s convenience (i did love the 1st season of riverdale so much that i started a jughead beanie which i will finish as soon as i’m done writing). if i have one regret it’s that i didn’t go to the drake/migos show at the tacoma dome but i think i can live with that.
i had a great year and i’m really looking forward to 2019: to finishing projects and starting new ones, to deepening relationships with friends and clients, to continue to nest with my amazing spouse who has already made some of my wildest dreams come true. my goal is to get more organized with our finances, that’s like the fucking boss level of adulthood for sure. here’s to you friends, i love you and let’s suck 2019’s dick
2017 man, HOO BOY. it was kind of simultaneously the hardest & best year of my life. on dec 30th, last year, i got the call that i had an interview for my dream job—which i had not asked for/seeked out, was not prepared for, and was actually quite angry at being put in such a position. well it worked out, and i suppose i am thankful because i probably would not have had the guts to do it myself. on top of the reasons above, it was poor timing because we had just set a timeline for buying a house. we needed all the money we could get but i also needed lots of time & energy to like, you know, find (& fix) an affordable house in one of the craziest real estate cities in the nation. two of my dreams coming true at the same time but still very stressful and NOT what i had planned.
i am very fortunate to have these opportunities so i’m not going to bellyache about it anymore. i started doing nails part time in february and it’s so challenging but i love it. i love being a working artist and i love making women look & feel good. we closed on the cutest little house in june and we didn’t have any summer fun due to unexpected repairs but we do have beautiful old wood & new vct floors & a brand new tile shower & our house doesn’t smell like cat pee anymore! AND I HAVE A HOUSSSEEEE. that was a big life dream that i just never thought i could pull off and we DID and not only that but we made a good investment in a sturdy house on a big lot & we’re making wise & slow changes both because we have v little money & we recognize that we have our whole lives. we have a roommate which ofc i was initially sort of bummed about but he is the BEST and i kind of wouldn’t have it any other way. sometimes it takes living with a near stranger to shame you into being tidy! he’s part of our fam now & i’m so thankful to have someone else to help watch over our home & make it cool.
i’ve been very heathy this year—aside from the mental strife from being over worked/house hunting—which i am very thankful for. i lost a ton of weight from stress/working on the house in the heat, and my diet wasn’t very good but my skin stayed in check. next year i need to go to the dentist and make sure my teeth are good and then i’m going to start working less. i need time to LIVE and i think a year of 6 day hustle is enough. i’m ready to be creative again, i’m ready to nest, i’m ready to CHILL.
it was such a weird year politically & culturally but i take strength in the people that are speaking the fuck up. i look forward to more of that, to more listening & learning, more culture & diverse voices, more art & beauty in 2018. <3
i almost forgot to post this year! i was talking to my dog about my new year's eve reflections & i realized i should be giving my reflections to you, dear lj.
while 2016 was definitely a bummer year for the earth, it was actually a pretty good year for me personally. i started working downtown in the spring and while it was hard to leave my old store, i've never been happier at work. i finally got a passport so i could go to mexico for a good friend's wedding in november. since i don't speak spanish & i've never travelled internationally i let carlos plan the whole trip and i had the best time. it was exciting to surrender myself to a new culture and i think i did a good job being a respectful tourist. it defo got us wanting to travel more.
culturally: i'd consider this a short attention span year in terms of our entertainment. we watch more youtube than anything, and the chromecast is considered a sacred family member. we also got back in to console video games, which is somewhat unexpected but not surprising considering we've been so phone-centric for the past few years. carlos got a raspberry pi and filled it with every game we could ever want from arcade thru ps1 so i started playing pokémon crystal in anticipation of pokémon go. i started to really miss our wii (it still works but the disk reader is broken) and we keep joking about getting an xbox but that's not realistic right now. animal crossing was haunting me so i broke down and got a 3ds (just yesterday actually 😬), which i call a game boy because "new 3ds xl" is the dumbest name i've ever heard.
to counteract all the action movies & nerdy youtubes i watch with/without carlos, i started getting deep into the bette davis/joan crawford catalogs. that's super fun, and just makes me look up more directors & movies. my favorite oscar nominee was brooklyn, but that came out last year so whatever. my favorite movie we saw in the theatre was hunt for the wilderpeople, which i hear is on hulu so plz check it out.
i've been thinking about lj more since jane boston (sorry i don't know how to link to accounts anymore) invited me to the secret lj facebook group. this was fun, maybe i'll do it more often! i do snapchat hardcore (👻mayzface) and i preserve my stories on tumblr (mayzsnaps) if you can't deal but plz learn to deal cuz it's very fun.
so nothing AWFUL happened to me this year, i feel quite stable and satisfied in most aspects of my life, and somewhat productive in my lazy hermit way. the biggest fail i can even think of is that i fucked up the the brain & rebecca's baby blanket, but even then i think i did it subconsciously to have an excuse to make them a better one. see, bright sides! optimism! hope & prosperity! safety & wellness! these are the things i want to manifest for 2017. even though i have nothing to complain about, i am glad to be done with this very scary & creepy year & i can't say i've felt that way before.
this was a big year. lots of things happened--in, to, and around me--and I don't want to put a good/bad judgment on any of it, which I think is a sign that i'm becoming a more rational and level-headed adult. in fact, I think this was the first year of my life that i mostly felt like an adult. I made adult decisions, i dealt with adult problems, and I tried really hard not to take bullshit personally. i turned 29, i've been on my own for a little over a decade but i only just now feel like i'm kind of keeping my shit together. actually, as i type that, I want to take it back. I have a long way to go but I feel semi-confident i'll get there.
i traveled a lot, the oregon coast, LA, tacoma. I was a very productive crocheter, finishing a queen size granny hexie blanket, 3 baby blankets, and countless potholders. that doesn't sound like much but it really is. carl dyed my hair bleach blonde because I've always wanted to and it was a great choice. I nourished my most valuable friendships. I took my dog to the vet and they pulled all her teeth so now I have a toothless chihuahua
i don't really feel ready for 2015 but I'm never ready for anything so oh well. I don't like resolutions but if I had to set one i would like to work on organizing my life: decluttering, using what i have, and becoming more efficient. pretty sure i say that every year.
what a beautiful year. for the first time in forever i kept a daily journal and even though it's super boring i'm still pretty proud that i stuck to it. i renewed my library card and read some books. i did hella crochet on the bus and finished a huge blanket plus a couple side projects. i was very successful at work, and i fulfilled a lifelong secret dream of being a perfume counter lady (but i have a wall so i'm a perfume jon snow which is even better). i spent quality time with friends & family. my dad & suzanne moved back and i had lots of good visits with my mom. i seent drake! i cut off my long hair! i practiced remarkable self control in the daily presence of jamba juice and wetzel pretzel. if livejournal weren't so antiquated i would post a picture so just use your imagination
Carlos is on tour which means it's guilty pleasure time! aka: the only time i consistently post to lj. well tough tuna motherfuckers, i'm too lazy to use the computer or figure out the lj app so i've moved the celebration to tumblr
i just remembered that livejournal is for venting about shit that doesn't really matter (with no character limits!) so that's exactly what i'm gonna do right now.
one thing i've learned from years of retail is that people without control of their own lives like to create something to complain about because it makes them feel powerful. it's the laziest way to feel empowerment. these people are incredibly hard to be around, but instead of feeling anger, you should pity them. everything we do is either out of love or a cry for it. think about how sad it is that the best part of their day is ruining yours! think about all the other people they come into contact with that they treat exactly like they're treating you--at the bank, the grocery store, the car wash, their neighbors. they are constantly being disappointed! that really sucks for them. it's not personal, and sometimes you just can't help them.