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Tenenbaum, M

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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2009|12:32 pm]
Tenenbaum, M
it's no secret that i've abandoned my readership. i'm in a weird place where i still love you and think of you and write for you but it doesn't leave the tips of my fingers. a few weeks ago i was feeling a sort of writer's constipation. stuffed up with words. i took some immodium oed like elyse recommended, and slowly the words came. they weren't good, but they were there, and i started writing when they appeared, where ever i happened to be. i have a notebook by my bed, next to the couch, and next to my desk at work. now you know the 4 places i spend the most time (#4 being right here in front of the screen).

i think it stemmed from a sick bout of nostalgia, which came on the tail end of one of my recurring bursts of missing the fucking living shit out of seanpalmer. you remember seanpalmer? he was my first love and best friend and in the past few years it seems as though he's dropped off the face of the planet. sometimes i feel guilty for missing him but i also think that's a cop out. just because he used to be my boyfriend and i have a new boyfriend doesn't mean we can't be friends, it doesn't erase the mighty mighty fun we had. he remains hidden despite my best efforts to find him and i guess i have to be ok with that. ask me if i'm ok again around our old anniversary or his birthday and i'm sure i'll sing a different tune. he's still one of the only people i dream about.

anyway, this is about writing, not how i fuck up friendships. you might remember my journal when i was 17 or 18, and i had so many things to share. i still do, but i'm keeping my memories close to myself, and i'm starting to wonder if holding them selfishly means i'll loose them sooner. i'm very forgetful, you know. my whole life i've been filled with thoughts and ideas and plans and it kind of scared me that for a few months nothing was coming out of me. i still had plans, but they were little things like curtains for the kitchen or what color manicure i'd give myself next week. now that i'm forcing myself to write more by having notebooks everywhere (and thus no excuse not to), i feel lighter, smarter, and more thoughtful.

i'm telling you all this (again) because yesterday i finally met a great internet friend and muse, and she gave me some of the sweetest compliments about my writing. so sweet that they disappeared into powdered sugar dust as they floated out from her red lips. she chose her words carefully and deliberately and i'm ashamed that i can't remember what they were but i remember how they felt when they filled me up and that's good enough for me. in the words of zoe trope, she loves with her mouth open, and i realized that all of my favorite people have souls that are too big for their skin. julie told me last week that everyone she knows wants to know more about me, and tears rolled down my face because that's all i've ever wanted. i'm layers and layers of person and i try to hold my old soul in the deepest pit of me, but i'm always looking for the spark that tells me you're an onion too.

i used to not mind taking off a layer or two for the whole world to see. eight years ago the internet felt like a smaller place and i was compelled to carve my name in a part of it, but now it's all changed. it's sped up, condensed, and constantly refreshing. not to say i don't still love it, i love any glimpse into your world that i can get. i still want to let you in but i'm choosing to be more string cheese than onion now. there's still layers to be separated, but they all look the same. i've been struggling with what i can and cannot share and where and how i can do it. i don't like these new rules, where everything lives forever and my whoever my boss may be in 10 years can judge who i am 10 years in the future by what i said this very minute. that seems unfair to me and it makes me really mad. i don't want to have to photoshop beer bottles over bongs because someone, someday in the future, might get in trouble for having been in the same room as a legal piece of glass.

despite my anger and confusion, i have to find the parts of my life that i can peel away and leave for you. milky white and shredded, i'm determined to get my string cheese layers out of my brain. i know you enjoy it, even though i can't see you and i don't know you're there. just like you can't see me when i hide in the shadows for months at a time. it works both ways, you see. and it makes me feel lighter and smarter and more stealth when i can just lay a little something down for you and let you chew on it silently. i did it for you but i'm learning how to do it for me.


here are things i love right now:
  • baby carrots and goddess dressing
  • the infinite possibility of color
  • making curtains
  • knowing i have options
  • edward cullin
  • link9 dollars|write a check

    (no subject) [Sep. 7th, 2009|06:53 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    i was warned when we moved in here that recording bands was part of the deal. whatever, no big woop. how often will that happen, right? not very often, because our first recording sesh was just this weekend. i shouldn't say "our" because I didn't do snap besides make them buy me food and open things for me because my fingernails were wet. i wouldn't say there were too many dicks on the dance floor, but it was a sausage fest:

    mothdusttakeover01
    i had to go in there and open the windows.

    greatsesh.jpg
    and they left us with $5 worth of bottles that i'll probably put outside for a hobo to steal.


    i learned some things about recording: first, one or two boys go in the basement and plays his piece of the same song over and over again. my boyfriend records this on his computer, which is in the living room. also in the living room is every other boy on the face of the planet. while in the living room, these boys sit around and drink and talk shit until it's their turn to make a sound. they do this for two days and when they're done they have one song! magic.
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    (no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2009|11:33 am]
    Tenenbaum, M
    lately i've been doing a lot of coming up with ideas. letting them flutter around but never land on something solid. i feel like i should be working on something important, or working toward something big, but i'm too indecisive to know what that is. i think admitting that i'm indecisive and kind of a flip-flopper is a big step, perhaps in the right direction. anyway, when i'm not blogging i'm watching bad tv while eating and/or painting my fingernails. that's one of my floating ideas, actually more of a scheme: to become a manicure arts sensation.

    0827pinkavocadomani
    my proudest moment. finding that green polish was a holy moment because i thought i was going to have to make my own avocado-colored polish.



    there was a heat wave and we survived because i am magical and found us an air conditioner. we spent the whole thing in bed, eating giant salads from a soup pot and watching movies we stole from the internet. he stole the hangover and i'm glad we didn't pay to see it because it kind of blew. like, i would pay to see it at a 2nd run beer theater and not feel ripped off because at least i got to see the snuggler's package on the big screen, but aside from my crush it was a total waste of time. this experience (plus the fact that soulseex couldn't even cough up a soundgarden album) made me decide that it was time to learn how to download like a pro. carlos gave me transmission, taught me everything i needed to know, and i added the pirate's bay to my google tool bar. i didn't get much but a few albums and a couple movies, because i'm not a greedy pirate. it's about to all fall down but i guess i'm glad i could enjoy it for a little bit.

    while i was sailing the high seas of internet piracy i managed to download the complete volumes of pete & pete. it was one of my favorite shows when i was a kid and i knew it would still be good but i didn't realize how well it would hold up. it makes me really want to know a 9 year old so we could watch it together. we've been watching it slowly and right now we're just about 6 episodes in and i'm so thrilled to see the rest. i was planning on being a cheeseburger for halloween but now carlos and i are thinking about being pete & pete, except we keep fighting over who gets to be little pete.

    so what else did i download? music for men , merriweather post pavillion and the ecstatic. you're welcome.
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    (no subject) [Jun. 19th, 2009|07:43 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    maycation day 6:

    tunacasserole2009
    tunafish casserole
    my dad came over yesterday and we whipped up some of the best tunafish casserole i've ever had. we used one can cream of asparagus soup and one can cream of mushroom, and two cans of that really good fancy tuna my dad gets from his work. the can is one big piece of tuna meat, not even close to that cat food shred tuna you get in a normal can.


    day 7:







    badass nails
    i could put about 600 pictures of nails on here if i got to looking, so i'm just gonna call it good and leave you with these three amazing sets. i just recently discovered that the more you pay for nail polish the longer it lasts and the better it looks. great! something else expensive to like. anyway, i'm actually pretty classy so i usually have dark colored nails, and it's hard for me to choose a color sometimes so i pick two and paint every other nail. someday when i don't have to use my hands for work i'm going to get the most incredible fake nails.


    well i just found out the last show was a bust so tour is over. this was the last day of maycation '09, i look forward to celebrating my next maycation with you.
    link7 dollars|write a check

    four-eyed fuck [Jun. 17th, 2009|07:14 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    oh shit i'm backlogged. maycation day 4:


    hot wings
    which i ate last night with zoe and jazz who magically knew i had been craving hot wings. jazz has a tattoo of dr. spaceman on his leg! well not really but that's what i named it.



    day 5:


    curb your enthusiasm
    we have 2 at a time netflix, and carlos is the boss of the account but i have my own queue. the other day i had him switch his movie over to me for while he's gone, but i guess netflix got the memo too late because in our mailbox this afternoon is a carlos disk and two mayzie discs. i inadvertently learned a scheme! obviously my two discs are curb, which i'm going to watch all night and therefore be a huge larry david-type jerk tomorrow which i'm really looking forward to.
    linkwrite a check

    (no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2009|08:32 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    maycation day 3:


    pole dancing
    ok you guys, i'm ready to make a confession: i own a stripper pole. i bought it a couple weeks ago, it's up in my bedroom, and i'm learning to pole dance. i struggled with it for a while, i was kind of ashamed about it because i didn't want people to lump me in with their negative associations about strippers and sex workers. i'm not a stripper though, and even if i were, strippers are fucking tough. they have the security and self-confidence to take their clothes off in front of strangers. that's amazing, and requires a lot of strength. i love pole dancing because, in a strange way, it allows me to live out my childhood fantasies of being an ice skater or a gymnast. i get to combine dancing with badass tricks and looking beautiful, and i think that's very empowering. i'm not doing it for anybody but myself (not even carlos likes it), and you won't find vids of my dancing on youtube anytime soon. it's HARD. before i bought a pole i took a beginners class and after an hour of dancing i had ripped most of the skin off the palms of my hands, bruised the shit out of my arms and legs, and for the next week i was so sore that i couldn't raise my arms above my head. since i got my pole i've been practicing for just a little bit every day, and for the first time i can remember, i actually have a muscle in my arms. i can do a headstand! this is really big news, because i've never been limber or flexible or balanced. i started writing this blog and words poured out of me like food normally pours in, so i'm writing a zine about feminist pole dancing which will probably get done minutes before the symposium. anyway, i'm sick of feeling ashamed about this or like it's something i'm going to be judged by. i'm still the same mayzie.

    dancin01.jpg dancin02.jpg dancin03.jpg
    link18 dollars|write a check

    (no subject) [Jun. 14th, 2009|02:50 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    maycation day 2:




    fly girls
    i lived in a black neighborhood when i was a kid, during the height of in living color and new jack swing. needless to say, i wanted to be a fly girl so bad it hurt. i love dancing, and even though my moves are pretty weak, i still dream of being a fly girl.




    missy elliott
    this isn't even a guilty pleasure, i fucking love missy openly and hardcore. her raps are amazing (hello! did you catch that she sampled the pbs identity from 1971-1985?) she's so avant garde and she always has the best dancers and the coolest chanel tracksuits. like, does chanel even make tracksuits or does karl pop out a couple just for her? anyway, this video is fucking awesome and if you have comcast you need to watch it on demand to get the full effect. it's available until the 16th, so hurry up! i've been watching it multiple times a day to try to get the pom pom dance right.
    link2 dollars|write a check

    (no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2009|09:54 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    so carlos left for tour this morning and we all know that that means:

    MAYCATION
    (or 10 solid days of guilty pleasures)


    today's itinerary featured:


    screaming graduation while doing the dishes.
    i really really love this album. except for the songs with lil' wayne and mos def which i skip every time.


    arabianfeast
    take out feast
    (also pictured: tori spelling)
    i told the dude i was feeding 4 people. psych! it's just me, in piggy heaven. i live 3 blocks from this amazing middle eastern restaurant and this entire feast was only 33 bones, including a $6 tip for the super flirty guy that made me tea with rose water and told me he was glad i was wearing red because he loves red. i will eat this food for days.


    i also hung a picture and unpacked some boxes and watched a chick flick (the devil wears prada). here's a picture of my boyfriend setting up for their first show of the tour. my feast is partially a "fuck you" to all the in & out they're about to eat.
    link5 dollars|write a check

    (no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2009|02:26 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    nobody on facebook understands how great this shit is, so i'm going to show it to you:

    onlyinoregon.jpg
    I KNOW, RIGHT!?
    link15 dollars|write a check

    (no subject) [May. 19th, 2009|08:54 pm]
    Tenenbaum, M
    A week or two ago Carlos and I were enjoying a week of bear-themed Simpsons episodes thanks to the "bear fair" at the Oregon Zoo. I didn't really know what the bear fair was but I knew I really wanted to be there. Turns out the bear fair was for children and on a Saturday (both dealbreakers), but we both didn't have anything to do yesterday so we went for the hell of it. Someday I will go to my dream bear fair and FYI my dreams look a lot like me and bunch of overweight gay men eating potato salad.

    zoo05180901.jpg
    This bear was pretty awesome. It was really hot outside and it was obvious that he chowed down on this chunk of ice embedded with what i think is berries but may be meat and then conked out in the shadiest spot in the tundra, which happens to be next to this giant window. He was having a dream and moving his paw like a dog does. It really made me want to give him a hug, and then i thought for 5 minutes about how that would be a good make-a-wish wish.

    zoo05180902.jpg
    This bear is chillin' out in a giant bathtub, and it kind of reminded me of Bobby Hill.


    I didn't get pictures of the two funniest things that happened: a bear eating it's own barf, and a sea otter (my spirit animal, may I remind you) giving itself a blow job. Animals! They have no shame.
    link5 dollars|write a check

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